Friday, February 10, 2012


A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. ~Toni Morrison

On January 22, 2012, I met my sister. I walked the hallway of the hospital full of emotion. I was going to visit my father who was close to leaving this earth, and going to meet my sister for the first time ever. I am not really sure which emotion was the strongest. You see, God has blessed me with "sisters of my heart" for many I have never felt like I didn't have the experience of having a sister. And then I saw her.

She is taller than me....and she has the most beautiful hair I have ever seen. And when we hugged for the first time, I realized I didn't want to let go of her. I wanted to hug her and share every good thing I had missed, help shoulder every bad one along the way...make up for her 29 years of being on earth and me not being there. I quickly realized I couldn't but oh, how I wish I could!

The speed at which we became "comfortable" with one another was amazing. Almost instantly, we fell into that comfortable rythym of sisters. Our similarities were breathtaking, and our differences were quirky. I remember sitting on the couch together, all huddled into one corner giggling over something silly and thinking that I wish I had had that with her for the past 29 years. There was no need for personal space-just like there isn't a need for that with my God gifted sisters. When I brushed and fixed her hair it was like we went back many years and I was making up for lost time. And when my father passed away 72 hours later, we held hands and held each other as we took care of the details. As my brother helped with preparations, like the Collins men do, we took care of the finer points. We all worked together much like a well oiled machine. Three siblings that were together for the first time ever pulled together like there had never been a day that we were apart. One of Gods many miracles during that week.

As I pulled out of the driveway at 4am, my sister sitting on the front porch and both of us crying, I got the most hilarious text message from here before we reached the end of the drive. One more similarity-dealing with sadness with humor. I immediately felt her absence like I never had before and vowed to make a paper chain to count down until the next time I saw her.

Dear Phalon,

It was so nice to finally meet you. I'm so glad you are a part of my life, and my family's life. Only 119 (approx.) days until I see you again....


Your big sister

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I, Robot

How do you do everything you need to do when you get the call saying your dad probably won't make it?
I'm like a robot. I methodically do things that have to be done to prepare.
Make a list.
Get out my suitcase.
Choose the clothes I need to have while I am there. Include a dress-just in case.
I need shoes to wear with that dress. Pick those out.
What is the weather like there? What will it be like all week, because I may be there for a whole week.....
Pray. Pray again. For peace that passes understanding and for peace for my dad and the rest of our family. Pray I get there in time. It's a twelve hour drive.
Feed Seth breakfast. Life doesn't stop around you just because yours has.
Think about the fact that I don't want to do this at 33 years old. Then remember that we never really want to do this, no matter our age.
Worry about what my boys are going to do this week. I am an obsessive planner and I have never left them to figure it out. Consider making Olin a list-it's my love language....but not his. He will tell me it will get done. And it will. I just don't want him to forget anything this week like Seths medicine, laundry, the dogs water, etc. If I can't control my dads health then I want to control my boys schedule. Trying to learn to give that up. It's not working, yet.
Pray again. And finish packing. I need to be ready to go out the door. Pray I get to say things that mean something. I want him to know, more than anything, that although it seems like I have fought him my entire life, I was really just fighting FOR him. I don't think he knows that.